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Life and Love


Busy few months.

I had been using an online dating app and ended up getting matched up with two different women—one with whom I had been matched up in the past, but never had the opportunity to meet. After meeting "Emma", I was pretty optimistic about exploring a relationship, even though I was still intending to move. She seemed to share my perspective on living a slower-pace in a more remote location, but it was still too early in the courtship to tell how much we had in common.

She ended up having her own demons to fight before she would be ready for a relationship, so she politely ended things before they really had a chance to start. I don’t hold any animosity and I recognize that it was probably the best decision, but I can’t help feeling disappointed.

A childhood friend suffered a brain aneurysm earlier this week. He’s on the long road to recovery, but it shook me. I considered my own mortality and health, but also the possibility of others in my life suffering similarly. The inevitability of my family growing older. I’m grateful for the time we’ve shared and I don’t really want to start preparing myself for the worst-case scenarios.

Is that wrong?

I’m similarly procrastinating when considering my impending transition from work. I have nebulous fantasies about how I’ll spend my time and support myself—my review website isn’t even built, let alone set up to generate any revenue and I haven’t even fully moved from my apartment, let alone planned for my next permanent housing. I’m excited to travel and visit friends, but ultimately, I want to settle someplace and enjoy an extended measure of peace.

Walk Through the Woods


I’m sitting at Wood’s Coffee in the historic Fairhaven neighborhood of Bellingham, reading my book and trying to let my mind wander. As always, part of the distraction of public society is the awareness of those around me. Being a single romantic, I’m particularly aware of women around me. In a college town like this, my assumption is that most women are girls and likely too young for me, but since my thoughts are relatively chaste, I allow myself to craft imaginary relationships of equal chastity and flirtation. The girl to my right is quietly working on her laptop and writing something—most likely a student, so it’s easier to dismiss any romantic thoughts, but her posture lends itself well to curious speculation—what she might be like, what she might be thinking about while working alone in this crowd of other young people. Does she regard me? What does she focus on? What does she hope for the world and her place in it? What would love look like for her?

Another girl is tall and well built with curly red hair and freckles. She is chatting with a friend to my left in between working on her laptop. She seems comfortable and self-assured and friendly. These are often traits of those who are young and vibrant, but also of those in a familiar environment. Realistically, it’s the same behavior I might exhibit if I were sitting with friends in my home town. She could easily be closer to my age, but ultimately, I’m more interested in observing either of these women as fellow humans with whom I might connect on a human level—with or without intimacy. I don’t want to contaminate the fantasy, but mostly because I find most contaminations to be unnecessarily distracting—politics or other facade passions are not interesting to me. Comfortable honest exchanges with close friends reveal what they actually care about and allow for the possibility for them to share something genuine.

A Quick Identity Check


A man of conflict and balance.
Romantic, yet pragmatic
I believe in everything, yet remain skeptical of when everything will be relevant or true.
In the daytime, I have no fear of death or the natural world around me, though I may keep a cautious eye on my environment; yet, at night, a supernatural world contains an equal reality and holds sway over my judgement.

Fantasy version:

I travel from town to town—Seattle to Bellingham to Butte to Casper to Kalispell—watching the people and imagining the heart of their lives. I see women and hold them in fantastic romantic regard, with the unexplored possibility of what might be without considering the mundane reality of a life of routine, practical concerns, or pain.

These are villages from a bygone age where the folks still had thoughts and dreams and passions in another context, but with the same soul.


What if my steed was more than the Subaru Outback, a motorcycle, or horseback?


What if shelter wasn’t an apartment, hostel, or tent?


What if my whim and will determined reality? How then would I solve issues of survival and human interaction? 


*I create a pocket existence that obscures me from observation (a la Tardis)…perhaps the level of security radiates to other lifeforms (aliens? supernatural beings? divine?) in other worlds and dimensions…or those magical passersby sensitive to such things. I’ve lived with these gifts for some time, but they still seem new to me. Each time I achieve a new manifestation—creating a pocket sanctuary or instantly transporting to another location—I run the risk of attracting attention from something of greater ability. So far, these encounters have been minimally distracting and rarely hostile, but that doesn’t mean the next encounter will be so.

Living Vicariously Through Myself

Blog chronicling the decision to deviate from the standard model

Why?
That’s the first and most obvious question I’m asked when I reveal my decision to leave my job of twelve years in a growing metropolis of opportunities and financial stability.

My job is a very good one. It is a small office that has managed to retain most of the startup sensibilities—autonomy, varied responsibilities, flexible schedule--while remaining successful/profitable.

I live in an apartment in Seattle. The city has grown significantly in the 13 years I’ve lived here, but the pace of growth has resulted in a further acceleration in the pace of life. My neighborhood is walkable, with grocery stores, restaurants, and cafes nearby. My office is a 30-40 minute commute (20 minutes if I leave very early in the morning). Traffic can fluctuate pretty severely, which has the psychological impact of mentally factoring a substantial time in traffic when making social plans. Combine the lack of readily available parking options and the possibility of inclement weather and suddenly, spontaneous activities become less appealing. Even getting together with friends in the same city becomes restricted to a weekend activity.

There are plenty of folks who adapt to these conditions by utilizing ride-sharing services for travel to avoid parking or spending more time at home with their families. The former is little more than a stopgap for those who seek an active social life and one that does not address traffic concerns or accommodate the freedom of altering plans. The latter option is appealing to me, as someone who values quality time with conversation and small social circles; however, for those of us who are single, a home represents solitude and isolation for a majority of the time. Solitude and isolation are also valuable and appreciated, but mainly when they are choices, rather than a status quo from which to deviate.

Even the simple act of driving without a destination is a luxury that has become difficult to enjoy in a congested urban cityscape. Traffic has many negative impacts that range from the obvious logistical challenges to the more understated psychological erosion of patience and goodwill—any seemingly thoughtless action is amplified as a personal affront and injustice. I don’t like finding myself cursing at other drivers or being impatient. I recognize that this is a challenge I should attempt to overcome in myself, but if there is a better environment for me to exercise patience, I’d like to explore that.

I’m a man who values taking his time to appreciate life. I value roots and home and family and friends. I’d like to have my own house and turn it into a home. The longer I’ve been in this city, the more distant the prospect of home ownership seems. The housing market boom continues and my boss has encouraged me to invest in a home. My concerns are three-fold: firstly, I would view a home as a terminal investment, in that I would want to buy something where I could plant roots and take decades to develop. Such an investment would necessitate my remaining in an area for that time and preclude my moving elsewhere.

Secondly, the cost of buying a home in this area would be such that I would need to remain gainfully employed and advancing within my career in order to afford buying and maintaining a home. Losing my job or deciding to pursue another career would be a much riskier proposition with a mortgage responsibility.

Lastly, buying in an area where I could afford the cost of the home and find the pace of life I’d prefer would further increase my commute time and reduce my time spent enjoying the home, as well as time for social endeavors (i.e. meeting a significant other and developing interpersonal relationships).

Community is something that I find valuable and developing community is integral to society. It seems that a growing number of social ills are the result of isolation and marginalization—violence, homelessness, and the general attitude of division and faction resentment that pervades the country and world at large. We tend to choose the path of least resistance, which leads to our gravitating toward like-minded groups who can further reinforce a like-minded perspective, rather than consider alternative viewpoints in an honest way. We don’t have to live with people with whom we disagree, so we consider those people as outsiders who are “wrong” in their worldview. If we are forced to live together with those with a different point of view, we tend to find ways to get along together and respect our differences. Eventually, that respect allows us to more honestly consider different points of view and build a diverse ecosystem that is more resilient and more likely to endure adversity—whether it be economic challenges or other threats to the well-being of the community. With that well-being reinforced, it provides greater stability for those residing within the community and enables them to spend more of their focus on introspection, advancement, growth, and enlightenment. If I don’t have to worry about my neighbors as much, that gives me more time and freedom to do what I want with my life.