Life and Love

Busy few months.

I had been using an online dating app and ended up getting matched up with two different women—one with whom I had been matched up in the past, but never had the opportunity to meet. After meeting "Emma", I was pretty optimistic about exploring a relationship, even though I was still intending to move. She seemed to share my perspective on living a slower-pace in a more remote location, but it was still too early in the courtship to tell how much we had in common.

She ended up having her own demons to fight before she would be ready for a relationship, so she politely ended things before they really had a chance to start. I don’t hold any animosity and I recognize that it was probably the best decision, but I can’t help feeling disappointed.

A childhood friend suffered a brain aneurysm earlier this week. He’s on the long road to recovery, but it shook me. I considered my own mortality and health, but also the possibility of others in my life suffering similarly. The inevitability of my family growing older. I’m grateful for the time we’ve shared and I don’t really want to start preparing myself for the worst-case scenarios.

Is that wrong?

I’m similarly procrastinating when considering my impending transition from work. I have nebulous fantasies about how I’ll spend my time and support myself—my review website isn’t even built, let alone set up to generate any revenue and I haven’t even fully moved from my apartment, let alone planned for my next permanent housing. I’m excited to travel and visit friends, but ultimately, I want to settle someplace and enjoy an extended measure of peace.

Walk Through the Woods

I’m sitting at Wood’s Coffee in the historic Fairhaven neighborhood of Bellingham, reading my book and trying to let my mind wander. As always, part of the distraction of public society is the awareness of those around me. Being a single romantic, I’m particularly aware of women around me. In a college town like this, my assumption is that most women are girls and likely too young for me, but since my thoughts are relatively chaste, I allow myself to craft imaginary relationships of equal chastity and flirtation. The girl to my right is quietly working on her laptop and writing something—most likely a student, so it’s easier to dismiss any romantic thoughts, but her posture lends itself well to curious speculation—what she might be like, what she might be thinking about while working alone in this crowd of other young people. Does she regard me? What does she focus on? What does she hope for the world and her place in it? What would love look like for her?

Another girl is tall and well built with curly red hair and freckles. She is chatting with a friend to my left in between working on her laptop. She seems comfortable and self-assured and friendly. These are often traits of those who are young and vibrant, but also of those in a familiar environment. Realistically, it’s the same behavior I might exhibit if I were sitting with friends in my home town. She could easily be closer to my age, but ultimately, I’m more interested in observing either of these women as fellow humans with whom I might connect on a human level—with or without intimacy. I don’t want to contaminate the fantasy, but mostly because I find most contaminations to be unnecessarily distracting—politics or other facade passions are not interesting to me. Comfortable honest exchanges with close friends reveal what they actually care about and allow for the possibility for them to share something genuine.